OMG

I just realised something just now as I was chatting with my friend. I askd him some basic questions (not so basic to come and think about it since even my own family will not get it right, and didn't even get it right, actually) about myself. I expected him not to know, and I was right. But he also asked me about him, and I was stumped. While I keep people out, I was being kept out as well. But I told him that I don't mind, I won't get hurt this way. But do I really want to cut myself out? It has to be for the best after all. If they get too attached to me there might also be a problem, because the hurt can work two ways and I don't want to end up hurting them when I walk away. I think for now distance is still the best option.

Time: 0050
Date: 24/01/2010

How long more?

I wonder just how long more I will stick around with this new friends of mine. They are nice to me, they take my sggestions into consideration, and actually help me when I need them to. But they don't know me, don't know that I am the type of person who never does stick around long enough for them to call a good friend. I mean, while I am around they will have everything I could possibly give to a friend, but when I leave, I cut ALL ties. It never hurts me, because I know that the longer I stick around, the more hurt I will get ultimately. Haiz, how can I possibly tell them that the reason why I treat them as mere acquaintances, and the reason why I am so anxious to pay back all the debt I owe to them is because I am getting ready to leave? They are way too nice, and it is making me very wary of them. Because based on experiences, it is usually the nice ones who can hurt you the worst possible way. Yes, it is definitely too dangerous for me to stick around for too long...

Time: 2250
Date: 19/01/2010

Walked away...

Walking away is something that is natural to me, something that I have done repeated over the years. I have no qualms about turning my back on someone whom I no longer owe, or someone who doesn't need me or my help anymore. Hm, free of sunch bondage, that is how I like my life to be. There are, of course, some people I find harder to leave than others. And it is those people whom I leave first, as in, much earlier than my usual. Because I tend to bond faster with such people, and that is dangerous. Hm... I really should stop walking away, but I can't help it. I just did it again yesterday, and currently I am wondering how I am going to act when the person whom I walked away from bumps into me. But then again, since I left, I will stop caring. If he needs me, he knows how to get me (or my attention, rather).

Time: 2225
Date: 18/01/2010

Privacy

Privacy is something that I have always wanted, but will never get, I guess. I read my old diaries once more just now, only a couple of them, but somehow that managed to change my mood from happy to something a little more sombre. Why am I always back to being the serious, broody me? I read my diary, and realised that even all those years back, I missed him. I no longer do, since I am old enough to judge him for myself and know that whatever he says is just in the heat of the moment kinda thing. I created this blog more to let out my feelings, the one that I can't really tell other people. Besides, even the blogs that the rest of my friends know about are seldom visited. let alone this one, which will be my special one. This one belongs only to me, for me to record my thoughts and feelings about my past, the one thing that I know I have to let go off, but can never bring myself to do it. The past is what makes me who I am today. If I let go, I think a major part of me will cease to exist, and I will end up becoming a person I may not even like. But then again, I am never the type of person I like. I mean come on, I am the only person I know who was within a centimeter of killing the person I was supposed to protect with my own life. But the feeling, oh the feeling I get when the pulse was beneath my fingers. Knowing that the slightest bit of pressure was more than enough to knock someone out... such feeling, it was addictive. And it scared the shit out of me. Which was why I went for the counselling anyway. If I chose not to, I might not be here today, blogging... I may not even be the same person that I am now. But when I saw Yan the other day (last year actually), when I received a new year's day greeting from him, a part of me wished that I had my hand wrapped around his throat. I want to know how it feels like, to slowly squeeze the breath out of him until he has none left and feel his pulse race out of fear before slowing down and coming to a gradual stop. Damn, such a feeling is addictive, I tell you! But like they all say, live and let live. If I gave in to that kind of feeling all the time, I might be in IMH or worse, in jail... haiz... if only I could get away with murder... wouldn't it be nice?

Date:18/01/2010