Privacy

Privacy is something that I have always wanted, but will never get, I guess. I read my old diaries once more just now, only a couple of them, but somehow that managed to change my mood from happy to something a little more sombre. Why am I always back to being the serious, broody me? I read my diary, and realised that even all those years back, I missed him. I no longer do, since I am old enough to judge him for myself and know that whatever he says is just in the heat of the moment kinda thing. I created this blog more to let out my feelings, the one that I can't really tell other people. Besides, even the blogs that the rest of my friends know about are seldom visited. let alone this one, which will be my special one. This one belongs only to me, for me to record my thoughts and feelings about my past, the one thing that I know I have to let go off, but can never bring myself to do it. The past is what makes me who I am today. If I let go, I think a major part of me will cease to exist, and I will end up becoming a person I may not even like. But then again, I am never the type of person I like. I mean come on, I am the only person I know who was within a centimeter of killing the person I was supposed to protect with my own life. But the feeling, oh the feeling I get when the pulse was beneath my fingers. Knowing that the slightest bit of pressure was more than enough to knock someone out... such feeling, it was addictive. And it scared the shit out of me. Which was why I went for the counselling anyway. If I chose not to, I might not be here today, blogging... I may not even be the same person that I am now. But when I saw Yan the other day (last year actually), when I received a new year's day greeting from him, a part of me wished that I had my hand wrapped around his throat. I want to know how it feels like, to slowly squeeze the breath out of him until he has none left and feel his pulse race out of fear before slowing down and coming to a gradual stop. Damn, such a feeling is addictive, I tell you! But like they all say, live and let live. If I gave in to that kind of feeling all the time, I might be in IMH or worse, in jail... haiz... if only I could get away with murder... wouldn't it be nice?

Date:18/01/2010